Mental Health And Relationships: The Question That Changed My Life

Mental health has finally started to become a normal topic of conversation, helping not only those directly afflicted by mental health conditions but also those who are close to those that are. It is a beautiful thing that increases our ability to effectively communicate by understanding other people around us. With an increased focus on sharing our grievances with others, however, it can make some people suffer from emotional fatigue, especially if the person or people communicating are empathic.

I’ve personally been on the receiving end of problem overload and empathic draining more times than I can count (something about having an education in psychology makes people assume I am a therapist) and I never complain, because it definitely goes both ways sometimes with friends and family. I would never turn anyone away who needs help or advice. Emotional burnout, however, is not good for anyone’s physical or mental health. Luckily, a close friend and I have developed a question that fixes this situation without taking away from our ability to help one another: “Do you have the ability to listen/help me right now?”

I have never actually answered this question with a no, but I have answered with stipulations. For example, when I am at work running an audit I may not be able to respond back right away, but there is nothing wrong with a friend texting me about everything going on so I can help on my next break. 

Let me just point out, though, that you can also answer this question with a no, but even that allows you to help in small ways. You can suggest another friend or group to contact or give a time frame for when you can listen as an alternative. You can simply recommend meditation until your available, or a walk in the sunlight (assuming you get that this time of year). There are always other options.

Another reason this question works: it gives the listener prep time. Who hasn’t felt the sudden shock of being bombarded by someone jumping into their problems with no warning? We weren’t prepared, we weren’t ready to process and give advice, we may be two minutes away from our own breakdown so how on earth can we handle theirs? I’ve been there, and if you’ve read this far you’ve probably been there too, so you know this feeling. 

Just the pause that being asked “can you handle this right now?” gives me to prepare myself for what’s coming is usually enough to allow my brain to switch gears and focus on someone else for a moment or two. It also benefits those coming to you because taking that moment to prepare yourself means that you will give better advice or be a more active listener. There’s no downside here. 

Regardless, you need to protect your own mental health before you are able to help anyone else with theirs. Suggest this question to those you confide in and those who confide in you and remember that now more than ever we need those connections to be healthy and sane. 

If you have any other tips for helping mental health during quarantine and beyond, please feel free to leave them for the community down below. We’d all love to hear your ideas!